“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
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My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.