Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
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7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.