The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
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[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
when there are deer in the woods
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.