If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
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What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
dutch so unserious
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*