Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
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Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Do not steal food from the science building!
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.