Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
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To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
all bases covered
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart