I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
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Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
just gave your address to some spiders
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I hope Alan is OK
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.