When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
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the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”