figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
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A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
A woman drives into a bar.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.