My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
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By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.