date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
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life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I didn’t realize that was an option
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.