Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
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[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.