why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
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My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Tell the colonel to bring it
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked