amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
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If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.