hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
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Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?