It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
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Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?