Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
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Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.