I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
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“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them