[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
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when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
New comic up. “Ransom”
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.