I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
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mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
when you order from DoorDastardly
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade