Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
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My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
LMAO.
@funTweeters
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
What’s a Messi?
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*