Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
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ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Midwest trash talk
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain