My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
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The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.