Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
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The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird