I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
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Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer