[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
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“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.