So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
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I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I think this cat is broken
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Cats (2019)
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting