(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
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*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Just got to our Airbnb!
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
#parenting
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?