wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
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Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
we all know this pain all too well
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”