a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
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Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.