Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
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Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Only a mother’s love …
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
getting groceries
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.