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Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances