An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
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Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
This has made my week.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week