me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
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My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
mathematically impossible
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious