My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
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Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.