I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
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Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.