My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
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Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please