Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
You Might Also Like
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing