My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
You Might Also Like
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
no their not
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.