4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
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this is the greatest thing ever
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]