I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
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That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
what?
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
This made me chuckle.