*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
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Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Does beer think about me too?
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69