My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
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HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
I enjoy a good short stor
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”