The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
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wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*