DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
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I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
when u come home smelling like another dog
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.