must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
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[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”