doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
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I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
can you read it!!??
maan!
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold