I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
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Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why