I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
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People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.