me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
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*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…